Most of us have been taught to avoid pain of any kind. We are taught that pain brings discomfort that should be avoided, masked, numbed. Especially in our relationships with ourselves and those that we love.
But the real pain is the pain we continue to perpetuate in our avoidance of it.
WHY? Because pain is simply inviting you to be curious. It is helping you to come into self-awareness of what we are creating, what we need and how we might change something.
We all do it! I do it!
We all have moments and interactions with ourselves and with our partners that trigger the same thoughts, the same choices, behaviours emotions, that bring us to the same painful outcomes.
It might be the way we argue with each other. It might be the way we struggle to move past moments gone by, or when something doesn’t go the way we wanted, or when we feel rejected…
We all get to the point where we think ‘this just isn’t working!’ and because we don’t know how to do things differently, we have gotten to the point where we have ended our relationships out of wanting the pain to end.
Sometimes relationships have to end, yes.
But if the bones are there, if the foundation is good, the end might have come simply because we just didn’t know how to do it differently… when really all that was needed was the knowing of how to end something that isn’t working within the relationship, rather than the relationship itself.
I want to share with you something hubby and I eat sleep and breathe in our relationship.
We both have pasts, but they were haunting us to the point we struggled to see each other and our future together.
We knew our foundation was good, so we knew we had something worth holding on to. But it wasn’t working. We needed to do something different. Something needed to shift. We needed to be more open, honest and stop avoiding the pain of our pasts and the pain that we were co-creating. We needed to stop sweeping it under the carpet, face it head on in each moment. And we needed to do it together.
So, this is what we started to do whenever the discomfort of pain paid us a visit in our relationship, and this continues to evolve between us today.
I invite you to give this a go…
What if in moments of discomfort when pain visits your relationship, you simply said ‘change’ to yourself and even to each other!
And instead of following the same thought, choice, behaviour, emotion that leads you to the same painful outcomes, you allowed yourself a moment of discovery to get curious instead?
What if you became the observers, so that you could come into awareness as to how or why a thought, a choice, behaviour or emotion is being elevated, expressed or oppressed within you or between you.
This curiosity allows you to see, feel, and consider yourself and each other differently to the way you have in the past.
Suddenly you will discover that your way of being, your conditioning and programming in these moments isn’t truly loving you and isn’t at all serving you and your relationship to yourself and the one you share with the one you love.
Trust me when I say that the magic of freedom from the struggles between you will grace you both when you both learn to accept the invitation to get comfortable with the discomfort during times of pain in your relationship.
Suddenly the power will shift when you both become the observers, when you both become open to gaining self-awareness of how your individual conditioning and programming, and the ones you have created together, are playing out and are calling you both into attention of what is needed from yourselves and each other in these moments.
This self-awareness will allow you both to take self-responsibility, will remove you from your conditioning, your programming, judgement and blame so that you can open new ways of thinking, acting and feeling together.
And each time you both commit to this; you will create a deeper understanding and connection to each other, and will keep evolving the ways in which you can both come to loving outcomes as you make your way through the discomfort of pain when it comes to visit.
I want you to remember this – no relationship is perfect! It is the commitment you both show to each other that will have you both falling more deeply into understanding and connection with each other. And this exploration never ends.
From my hands to yours