Exhilaration is what I felt yesterday.
I went surfing for the first time and caught my very first wave!
I went with no expectation. And having no expectation meant I had no pressure to place upon myself. I could just be. I was free to just experience.
And experience I did!
There was this little moment. As I paddled onto the wave. This little momentary feeling of gliding. I jumped up and rode the wave.
YES! YES! YES!
What a feeling. I can’t even begin to describe. I will never forget is though! It was unexpectedly perfect! PERFECT!
But since that wave, expectation and pressure has crept in. Expectation and pressure for the next time I go out. Will I be able to do it again? Was it a fluke?
Oh dear, there is that fear!!! Breathe Brydie! Breathe!
It’s amazing what we do to ourselves when we place expectation on ourselves. The stories we tell ourselves that cause emotions and chemicals to flood our bodies which make us feel as though we are truly experiencing our stories.
I haven’t made it out to the waves today. Not yet! The stories I’ve created from my expectations have a grip. I am not using this as another opportunity to place expectations and pressure on myself. I am having compassion for myself and just sitting with them so I can go deeper with what they’re asking of me.
I know what the story is. It arrives every time I do something wonderful that I receive external praise for. It is one of not trusting the external praise because I wasn’t allow myself my moment to receive it. This then gives way to isolating myself through my need to be perfect and not disappoint. This then cascades into not wanting to go out surfing on my own. It’s one of not wanting to ask for help. It’s one of not feeling good enough to fit into a group of people I don’t know, yet! This is a pattern for me and on many occasions I have convinced myself that the paralysis and isolation it throws me into keeps me safe.
I’ve been calling in my community and they’re arriving. I am scared! But even in that vulnerable I trust it and want it!
I don’t need this pattern to hold me back anymore. Even though It is holding on tight because it’s in its death throes. I’ve got this! And so have you!!
We are not the stories we place upon ourselves through the vehicle of expectation and therefore pressure and perfectionism. Nope!
If we have the willingness to go beneath the discomfort. To intuitively listen and feel. We can come into awareness of the expectations and pressure we place upon ourselves through our patterns and programming and from there we can also come into awareness of how we can do it differently.
What patterns and programming are narrating your stories? The ones that are keeping you from connection, keeping you from your worth, your confidence, and/or are keeping you from exploring or taking up things that bring you delight?
Without expectation and pressure I’m going to keep challenging mine! Are you?
From my heart to yours
Ps. Seriously check out the pic! How can I justify denying myself this!